twatshorsefuckingdildosfuckedupbastardsoralingsbitchesstucked

if anybody knows how to counter this "subtle happy and calmness in one minute and angsty moron on the other" feeling please tell me thanks.

and fuck. shouldnt have done something that i wasnt meant to do. well everything from the past to be much clearer! im feeling angry at myself. well i guess i am most of the time. im a jerk selfish arrogant egoistic bafoon, who's prolly one of the most jeered and disgusted person in the world. you look into me and see something wherelse i on the other hand, felt nothing. thats what i am, nothing. at most im just an empty poisonous smile, switching from conscious to semi-unconscious state of mind, like a nail in a hay, having too many options but yet still lost and indicisive. Im a liar in a world of cheats and victims who are liars themselves. never meant to make things happen but all because of bloody curiosity. now im constantly in doubt about myself, constantly picturing the fucked up past, the unstable present, and the unseen future. if you were to look up on me, i'ld like to make this clear, im looking down at myself at my lowest. but that doesnt mean i look down on others. get this straight.

i just feel like staying alone being far from others, take out the typical emotionally-deluded's stocks like drugs ciggs and alchohol, and stay there on my own, nothing to worry about and not to be worried. eventually die and go to hell if it were to happen like that anyway.

fuckfuckfuck i just wanna forget the past but i cant. i know for myself that i dont wanna let it go.
i'ld like to say sorry to dynchsblls for walking away just like that. mom&dad for not being the best, siblings for not caring much for all. friends who i made myself seem helpless at times. and god, for going against your orders. i know i wont change that easily and so convincingly. i wanna put a stop to everything but thing is, like most of us, i talk alot but do nothing. i feel fucking wrong all so fucking dirty and bad. ive lost the sense of worthiness to everything.

may not see like it but trust me, its not always "what you see is what you get". i know my secrets and almost all of you dont.

and sorry if you think everything above is rubbish. read it or leave it thnks.